Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls
by Lily Orange
Summary: I, Sirius Black, have decided to share my utterly incomparable knowledge of how to deal with girls, and, let me believe you, it is an ART. But, luckily for you, boys of Hogwarts, I am here to help you mesmerize those things we like to call, er, women...
1. My Magnificent Introduction

_**Sirius Black's Guide to Dealing with Girls**_

_By Lily Orange_

Hello, my name is Sirius Black, alias Padfoot, and I am a love god extraordinaire.

Not self-titled, obviously, as that would be incredibly arrogant and egotistical, which I am _so _not, no matter what Lily says – I was titled by the girls of Hogwarts. Well, the ones who use the third floor girls' bathroom anyway – I haven't checked the rest. Prongs made me go in there for a dare, and luckily, there were no girls in there but somebody had written 'I love James Potter' across one of the mirrors in bright pink lipstick with kisses underneath (I'm sorry, but who in their right mind would kiss a mirror? It's not as if it's even James – though I wouldn't kiss James anyway as for one, he is a bloke, and as for another, he doesn't wear sexy smelling perfume or have breasts. You're practically kissing yourself because you're kissing your own reflection which could lead people into thinking you fancy yourself which is _never_ good) and someone else had written my new title on another mirror in red lippy. With kisses in many different colours. It was like some sort of petition, but instead of signing names, it was kissing the mirror. Slightly weird – though don't worry, all teenage girls go through a stage where they kiss mirrors. I think.

Anyway, away from the girls' bathroom – it's a very scary place, even if it did inflate our egos a bit – and back to business. Well, the business is, I have decided to divulge some of my secrets of dealing with the mysterious girl and lady kind to other males who aspire to accumulate girlfriends like a clock on a shelf accumulates dust. There are a number of rules that I, and sometimes my friends, will try to explain.

But let me tell you, my girl advice is much more accurate than theirs as I have had, throughout the duration of my time at Hogwarts, seven hundred and eighty three snogs, fifty five girlfriends and eight crazy stalkers hiding in my wardrobe.

In comparison to my friends: Prongs has had sixty three snogs, one girlfriend (all sixty three are from that girlfriend, namely Lily, who he has been chasing after since the moment we got on the Hogwarts Express in first year) and no crazy stalkers in his wardrobe, though three third year girls did hide under his bed once – they were very scary actually, we didn't realise they were there until one of them started talking in their sleep about how much they loved James so we knew it couldn't be us; ha, only kidding Prongs! So we ransacked the room and found all three of them curled up under his bed, clutching photos they had of him from the Quidditch party we had had the night previously – which had been a bloody brilliant night with plenty of music, food, pranking and snogging, my four passions – which they had wanted him to sign but when he appeared they got so star struck that they kind of froze up and eventually fell asleep there. It was quite frightening, so James woke them and they screamed! I know he's scary and everything, especially when he grins at you (though Lily is adamant that grin is irresistible and attractive), but there is no need to scream! Eventually he signed the pictures, posed with them for more pictures, and at half past five they finally left and we could return to our beauty sleep, whilst Prongs debated whether or not to brag about this to Lily – but I pointed out that it wasn't really much of a good thing that he had third years hankering after him. That was very unlike my crazy fan girls slash insane stalkers who were hiding in my wardrobe – on four occasions I have found girls in there! Fortunately mine have all been over fourteen and have been reasonably attractive, unlike one of Prongs' who had a big boil on the end of her nose which was yellowing. That's more of something to brag about to any prospective girlfriend as she'll know that you're in demand so will want to snap you up quickly.

Moony has had an estimated thirty eight snogs (he informed us rather irritably that he doesn't count how many snogs he gets like us – you have to count and compare with your friends after, though, don't you?), two girlfriends and no crazy stalkers anywhere, which he is happy about (I wouldn't be).

And Wormtail has had no snogs, no girlfriends and no stalkers. And he asked me not to publish those details on pain of, well, nothing really; he issued an empty threat of wrapping me up in toilet paper in my sleep (James did that to me in third year when I put a picture of him under Lily's pillow and wrote on the back 'Hey Lily, now James will always be in your bed!' – it's an overrated punishment) but I said that in publishing that it will make any girl who reads this feel sorry for him and want to snog him. Possibly. Or perhaps, as Prongs suggested, he simply repels all female kind with his bad breath. Don't worry, we like him really. He's an excellent pranker and a great catch for any girl – and he didn't just order me to write that.

So yes, you can see that I have had many a snog and a girlfriend and a crazy stalker during my time at Hogwarts, and I have gained this through no ease, but through following some very simple but highly effective rules throughout my time at Hogwarts – probably the only rules I ever followed, as I've broken all of the school ones, I think.

Anyway, all you have to do is follow the rules and the advice me and my sort of sane friends give you and you will become, like me, a LOVE GOD EXTRAORDINAIRE! Now, it isn't that difficult and I bid you good luck on your journey of self-discovery.

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Hope you like the introduction to Sirius' book, please review!!

:) x Lily Orange x (:


	2. My Phenomenal First Rule

**Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls**

_By Lily Orange_

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_**Rule 1:**_

_Always make sure your basic hygiene is up to scratch._

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Such a basic rule, but it's always forgotten by many lads who are in a rush to get the girl – or in some cases, two girls, perhaps even three, depending on how ambitious you are – forget their basic hygiene! So here are my tips (followed by the tips of my fellow Marauders, though mine are significantly superior).

Firstly, underwear – women wear underwear to sculpt and enhance their assets (I read that in a stolen copy of Lily's _Cosmopolitan_) and they change it every day. Therefore it is ESSENTIAL and IMPERATIVE that you change your underwear every day. It is no joke. You can get two days wear out of a pair of boxers at the most (right side and then inside out) but most girls prefer a bloke who changes his pants regularly. Why? Because they smell better. They don't seem to find who-can-go-the-longest-without-showering competitions entertaining (ahem, neither do the Marauders, obviously) so smelling good is always an attribute in their eyes.

Secondly, shower regularly, once if not twice a day. You will not regret it. Maybe invest in some shampoo and conditioner and most definitely some shower gel and soap. Because I have quite long hair – and many a girl have said that it is luxurious and silky and that it is my best feature besides... some others I could mention – I use a very simple formula in washing my hair. I use the shampoo twice on my hair, making sure to wash it out properly each time, followed by conditioner to make my hair super soft. I recommend shampoos and conditioners by L'Oreal – I use these because I needed to have a shower when I was round at my cousin Andromeda's and she had L'Oreal shampoo in her shower and I used it and I was wowed by the results. I believe, because I am worth it, that it is a very good choice.

Thirdly, change your socks regularly. I know from bitter experience (from having to share a dorm with Prongs) that smelly feet, whilst they can be amusing to your friends as they compare them with the smell of various cheeses (Prongs' are a dead ringer for Stinky Bishop), they are not amusing to the lady kind and they will think that smelly feet is disgusting. I don't understand why but it is a blanket thing across all girls that they don't like stinky feet. But anyway, change your socks regularly and wash them when you go in the shower (I mean wash your _feet_in the shower, not your socks. Send your socks off to the Hogwarts laundry, you fools! Anybody who washes their socks in the shower is a complete muppet). That way, you can't really go wrong, can you?

Right, now I hand over to my fellow Marauders, who are going to give their hygiene tips.

_Moony_

Always shave; girls find kissing a scratchy face is not comfortable. At least, that's what somebody told me when I said I was doing 'market research' for Padfoot's book. So I decided to add it in. It takes all of two minutes to shave, if that. Just don't cut yourself; otherwise it's very painful (obviously it is, Moony, get to the bloody point! – Padfoot) and not attractive at all.

Secondly, always wear deodorant. Smell is not good. At all. Did you see Neanderthals getting girlfriends before they had even had a wash? Probably not, no. I can't really comment on this because I obviously wasn't there but due to an informed guess I can probably imagine they didn't, as girls don't like troglodytes. So take advantage of the beauticians and chemists in Hogsmeade as that is what it is there for (though go in when none of the girls are looking as you want to make them think that you look and smell that good without any effort as you are just naturally charming).

_Prongs_

Lily, the divine, beautiful, amazing, Lily, whose mere presence emanates a radiant glow, has told me that she would like to include the fact that girls don't like it when boys have messy hair – except for mine. She thinks that every other boy should concern themselves with combing it to keep it neat – except my hair because she thinks mine is lovely and sexy when it is messy and tousled therefore I should just keep running my hands through it to make it look windswept (Prongs - are you _sure _Lily said that? - Padfoot)

Conducting market research, the gorgeous goddess Lily's friend Dorcas told me that she doesn't like it when, at parties, boys come at you for a quick snog but they already have brightly coloured lipstick on their face from kissing some other girl in a broom cupboard, and they have not taken the trouble to clean it off before going for another one! I have never had this problem because I have only ever snogged Lily, therefore it's not an issue. But some boys – and I was wondering whether Dorcas was referring to Padfoot here? (OI!) – seem to think it is okay to hook up with more than one girl in one night and not even hide the evidence. So there you go. Clean off any makeup on your face after a passionate clinch if you're going out there again. Really, a clean face is essential. No girl is going to kiss you if you have tomato ketchup or sauce on your chin, are they? Unless they find that sort of thing attractive and want to lick it off, but really, it's not very good in most cases. (Prongs - when has there EVER been a girl who has liked licking sauce off of boys' chins? - Padfoot). At this point I would like to remind my best mate Padders of his, um, twenty-seventh girlfriend, I think it was, Donna Fangley, who, when he stuck his face in the chocolate fountain at Moony's birthday party the year before last, ate all the chocolate off his chin. No doubt she thought it was seductive, but I thought it was downright disgusting.

I would also like to remind Padfoot that L'Oreal is _NOT_the best shampoo brand out there (NO! Blasphemy! – Padfoot) as I use Pantene on mine and it works just as well, probably better, than L'Oreal. Also, when I went to Lily's at Christmas, I managed to fall off a wall and into a pile of snow (honestly! It was so much fun – Lily was a bit hysterical, though she was hysterical before I fell because apparently it isn't very good to try and balance on walls in the snow) and I had a shower at her house, and used her Herbal Essences shampoo and it was some kind of fruity combination or something and that smelled lovely! Nice smelling hair is essential. Obviously it is a bit more difficult for a girl to smell a boy's hair than a boy to smell a girl's, especially if you are about a foot taller than said girl, but it's the thought that counts! Look after yourself, and you will get the girl! (Thank you Prongs – can I just remind you, it took Prongs five and a half years to get Lily to go out with him? – Padfoot)

_Wormtail_

Change your socks and pants at least once a week and also brush your teeth twice weekly. (Pete! No wonder you can't get a girlfriend, man, if these are the hygiene rules you are following! – Padfoot)

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I hope you liked that - thank you to everybody who reviewed, added my story to their favourites and to their alerts, it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it! Please review!

:) x Lily Orange x (:


	3. My Unparalleled Second Rule

_**Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls**_

By Lily Orange

_This chapter is dedicated first and foremost to everybody who reviewed, added it to their alerts or to their favourites (full thank you list at the bottom!) and also to Mistress-Helium's brother because he has been reading it too :) Hope you enjoy this chapter!_

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_**Rule 2:**_

_Treat her friends nicely._

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Now I have to admit, this is always one I struggle with as there is often the possibility that I have hooked up with said girl's friends in the past. However, if you are somebody else – such as everybody else in the school except me, who is the only Love God in the vicinity (And oh so modest – Moony) – this will probably not be much of a potential problem when you meet her friends. Though if it is, I will come to that point in a minute.

Niceness and kindness do not cost anything and if you're nice to the girl's friends, it shows her that you are kind and sweet and are willing to do anything for her – but only do that if that is the impression you want to give.

If you are sane and normal then that will be what you want to do but, if, however, you are abnormal and actually want to give her an impression that you are a bit of an idiot, be mean to her friends and throw chocolate frogs at them (I would like to interject something here – the lovely, stunning Lily has told me to warn Sirius that if he ever throws chocolate frogs at anybody she will put him in detention as it isn't very nice – Prongs). This, however, rarely works as a tool to encourage said girl, object of your affections, to like you, unless you particularly want her to think you're an idiot because she goes for that sort of thing. Though I only ever knew one girl who liked boys who did that sort of thing, Imogen Rhodes (She is _gorgeous_– Wormtail), who apparently is the object of Wormy's affections (Oi – don't call me Wormy! – Wormtail), and she was, although admittedly one singularly _HOT _girl, very weird. I mean, who tries to snog boys who have thrown BRICKS at your head? (Sounds utterly crazy, but I can vouch for Pads here and say that is exactly what she did when this Slytherin dude threw a brick at her head and it narrowly missed – Prongs). But enough of that and onto the actual rule...

One thing you should never forget though: niceness and kindness does not mean you have to stop being jokey and cheeky, as girls value that sort of thing. I was told this whilst undergoing the _extensive_ research I completed for my book. (It was _very _extensive – Moony). What can I say? I like to give a highly accurate picture of how it is!

I have also been told, by several girls, that some boys seem not to know how to act around girls and their friends, and end up making complete arses of themselves. So I have come up with a list of things to say when you are with them to prevent the whole 'You-look-like-a-complete-arse' scenario:

"Hey, did you see the last Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch match? Didn't the Gryffindor team play excellently?"

The Gryffindor team, for one thing, always plays excellently (GO, GO, GRYFFINDOR! – Prongs), and for another, belonging to such a legendary Quidditch team (GO, GO, GRYFFINDOR! – Prongs) will impress her friends and then they will tell her how impressed they are with you and your sporting prowess. And I think we can tell that Prongs, our supreme Quidditch captain, is highly excitable and a big fan of our team!

"How good was the last [insert name of your favourite girl's favourite wizarding band or singer, or even muggle if you particularly want to impress, here] song? I can't stop listening to it!"

This shows that you have common interests and shows that you are the right boy for her. But be careful – if her favourite singer is Celestina Warbeck, and you hate "A Cauldron Full Of Hot Strong Love" – _this is a no go area. _Spellotape barbed wire across (Hey, how do YOU know about barbed wire? – Prongs) and never enter this area!!! DO YOU HEAR ME??? Good.

However, if her favourite band is the Beatles and you love "_Let It Be_" then you are in a prime position for some serious (ha – Sirius!) impressing and therefore some serious chatting up with said girl!

Here are my fellow pranksters and girl geniuses – under the instruction of me, the one and only Sirius Black – to tell you about how they think you can impress girls.

_Moony_

Well, my main tip for impressing her friends is to just be kind, friendly (No, you don't say! – Padfoot) and yourself. That's the most important thing, as girls don't take too kindly to boys who _lie _and _cheat _(Why are the words italicized Moony? And why are you looking at me meaningfully? – Padfoot) as then they will be sure that you are wrong for their friend, so be, if possible, platonically charming. This will make you more likable and therefore more likely to win them over.

_Prongs _

The friends of the lovely, beautiful, striking, incomparable Lily already liked me as I am a rather likable person (So, so true Prongs – _note the sarcasm_– Padfoot) _no matter what Padfoot says_. It was them, in fact, who convinced the beatific Lily that I was the perfect boy for her and resulted in her accepting my invitation to go out with me. That was the happiest day of my life you know (Prongs – get on with it – Padfoot); sorry, apparently, according to some people, you are not bothered about the utterly romantic story of how me and Lily finally got together. So let's just humour _that_ person who does not _deserve _to be named and not talk about it. And how did I win them over? It was simple. I stuck to three main topics:

A) How brilliant, intelligent and lovely Lily is;

B) How perfect and kind Lily is;

C) And, finally, how I matched her in every quality.

But, beware, don't just say things to impress. My Granddad Potter (Merlin bless his soul) used to have this saying, "All fur coat and no knickers." I think that was it anyway, but it basically meant that you're all talk but you haven't got the evidence to back it up.

Therefore do not brag you are an international Quidditch star when you haven't been on a broom since the first flying lesson when you were eleven. Do not say that you are close friends with the Weird Sisters when the closest you have ever gotten to this was being chucked out of their concert in Diagon Alley because you tried to chat up the female security guard when you realised you'd _left your ticket in your other trousers _(Hey! That was one time, and I would have been in there if it hadn't have been for the fact that Mr. Biggest-Beefiest-Ten-Tonne-Tommy-Security-Guard hadn't turned up and told me, very aggressively, that she was his fiancé. She was well up for letting me in! – Padfoot).

Girls _know_. They _will_ find out if you are lying. So _beware_. (Bloody hell, Prongs, this is supposed to be an accessible guide to charming girls, not a blood-curdling horror movie rated an eighteen that makes you fall off your seat in terror! Which I obviously don't do as I am all manly and macho and not scared of anything – Padfoot)

Actually, I would just like to add something.

PADFOOT IS THE BIGGEST WIMP KNOWN TO MAN!!!

Thank you, and goodnight!

_Wormtail_

Er, I'm not the most practised at being good around girls at all, even if it's just her friends. So I don't think I can provide you with much advice... (Don't make me _laugh_! – Padfoot) so, um, I'll just, er, wish you good luck...

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I am SO sorry about the late update, hopefully I'll be able to update a week on Saturday at the latest! There're lots of people to thank: thank you, firstly, to Marlicat, Lisbry, nikegirl0329, IHaveASiriusObsession, ., mokins, Leena, .limits111, Solangedrama, vamp-girl095, tannyapple, B. Longbottom, Sam-EvansBlue, Tabithatibi, sarlovesoccer, vanillabean18, nekoakimatsu and Mistress-Helium for reviewing; thank you to _Boo Bops, Glaceon-Girl-POK3MON, IHaveASiriusObsession, Lisbry, MaloryCullen14, Marlicat, mokins, nikegirl0329, Sam-EvansBlue, sarlovesoccer, sparklestar21, Tabithatibi, The Girl Behind The Curtain, ., vamp-girl095, vanillabean18 and xsiriuslyemmax for adding my story to your alert subscriptions and thank you to __B. Longbottom, Glaceon-Girl-POK3MON, IHaveASiriusObsession, Lisbry, Marlicat, .limits111, Mistress-Helium, mokins, nikegirl0329, sarlovesoccer, Sam-EvansBlue, Solangedrama and vamp-girl095 for adding my story to your favourites. I really, siriusly, appreciate it! _

_Have an amazing Christmas everybody and a brilliant 2010!_

:) x Lily Orange x (:


	4. My Superb Third Rule

_**Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls**_

By Lily Orange

_This chapter is dedicated to everybody who reads this story and reviews and favourites and alerts (full list at the bottom!) and I hope you have a Merry Christmas, a fantastic new year and a happy holiday. This was a really quick update and this is a biggun of a chapter, I hope you like it!_

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_**Rule 3:**_

_Be creative in your compliments. _

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All girls like to receive compliments and it is a sure way to present yourself as an ideal boyfriend if you know how to provide them in the correct way that girls find utterly irresistible. Now, in order to demonstrate this properly without a visual aid, I have decided to incorporate a few case studies that I think would be of invaluable use to you. So pay attention (Says you who spends class either sleeping, flirting with girls or pranking people – Moony) and listen very carefully to what I say.

_Case Study #1 – Mr "Nice" Guy_

It's the easiest word in the dictionary to use in the way of complimenting somebody, yet it is the most BORING. The boys who say, "Your hair looks nice," or, "You're wearing nice shoes," rarely get anywhere. To be fair, many girls may be flattered that you have noticed that she has done something different with her hair or is wearing new shoes, but the imagination is just not evident. I decided to test this using three different girls, who I also tested my other ways of complimenting on – Anna, Belinda and Carmen (A, B and C). As this is a scientific book (HA, HA, HA! – Moony), we have made it a fair test by conducting this experiment on consecutive days on three separate girls, but the same three each day in different parts of the castle. Also, as was pointed out to me by an adoring fan (Oh so modest – Prongs) girls tend to love me all the time whatever I say so I tested my compliments on Anna, Moony tested his compliments on Belinda and Wormtail tested his compliments on Carmen. James, if you cared – which you don't – was too busy snogging Lily. Here is what happened in each case:

**A)**

Me: "Hey Anna, your hair looks nice today."

A: "Really, Sirius? Do you think so? That's so kind of you! I was wondering; did you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?"

Me: "Yeah alright then."

In this case I was successful and gained a date with a very hot girl who is so hot she is not just hot, she is hot and _spicy_!

**B)**

Moony: "Hi Belinda, your shoes look nice."

B: "Thanks Remus. Do you know what the homework was in Astronomy? I kind of fell asleep."

Moony: "Yes, it was *_cue Moony droning on about completely boring stuff_*." (Hey, it wasn't boring! Astronomy is highly interesting, actually – Moony)

In this case Moony managed to begin a conversation about schoolwork, but at least he sustained Belinda's interest for a quarter of an hour whilst discussing Astronomy, so it was a partial success.

**C)**

Wormtail: "Hello Carmen, your jacket is nice."

C: "Um, really? Because it's my school robe."

Wormtail: "Oh, right, well–"

C: "Bye Peter." _At this point, Carmen walks off._

Unfortunately for dear Wormy Pie (Hey! I told you to stop using that nickname! – Wormtail) he wasn't really successful with being Mr "Nice" Guy. Hopefully, and I'm sure this will be the case, he will have more success with future compliment-making.

_Case Study #2 – Meet the new Superhero, THESAURUS MAN!_

This is when, instead of saying something is "Nice", therefore being Mr "Nice" Guy, you use a wider vocabulary. If, like some people I could mention, you lack an extensive vocabulary (I'd like to point out that Padfoot didn't know that melancholy meant miserable until yesterday, he previously thought it was some sort of contagious disease, which caused him to get weird looks in the common room when Lily said she was melancholy and he scrambled underneath the sofa shouting "DISEASE! CONTAGION! I WANT TO KEEP MY LIFE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"; it was the most hysterically funny thing you have ever seen in your whole entire life – Prongs) then pop along to the library and check out a thesaurus. They are actually quite entertaining as reading material (But only if you look up the rude words – Wormtail) but look up some synonyms for words such as "nice" or "pretty" – you could eventually end up with superb words such as "striking", "dazzling" and "beatific" which will impress a girl much more than being Mr "Nice" Guy, instead, be the new superhero, Thesaurus Man!

**A)**

Me: "Hey Anna, you look absolutely stunning today, your eyes look especially striking."

A: "Oh my Merlin, thanks so much, Sirius! That means a lot!"

You don't get more successful than that unless you step it up a notch, which we will be doing in a bit.

**B)**

Moony: "Hi Belinda, Merlin, you have a dazzling smile!"

B: "Aw, Remus, that's one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me!"

Moony: "No problem, it's true!"

I was very proud of this as Belinda seems to be warming up to Remus during this little scenario, which means him empowering his inner Thesaurus Man works like a treat!

**C)**

Wormtail: "Hello, Carmen, you look particularly beatific today."

C: "Thanks Peter, that's really kind of you to say."

Wormtail: "It's okay."

CARMEN DIDN'T EVEN RUN OFF! See how successful I am, and there is still a third level to get to?

_Tip: _If you feel that you are struggling to empower your inner Thesaurus Man, stand in front of a mirror and chant rhythmically, to yourself, in a bold and cheery voice, "I am Thesaurus Man. I am Thesaurus Man. I am Thesaurus Man!" That should work brilliantly! (What if, like when I did it, somebody walks in on you and thinks you are a psycho, like Prongs did with me? – Wormtail)

_Case Study #3: The Thesaurus-Continuation Hybrid_

The best compliments boys can give to the object of their affections is one which is imaginative (hence the empowering your inner Thesaurus Man exercise) but also stimulates conversation that further compliments and flatters her, causing her to blush and feel special. Therefore, you must become a THESAURUS-CONTINUATION HYBRID! This very scientific term (HA! – Prongs) basically means that you have to use inventive and inspired adjectives to describe something you particularly like about her – hence the Thesaurus part – but also ask her questions that continue to flatter her and mean that you can have a lengthy conversation that is both interesting and exhibits your kindness and other talents – hence the Continuation part. For example:

**A)**

Me: "Hey Anna, you are looking stunning today. Did you spend extra time over your hair and makeup, or do you look that beautiful naturally?"

A: _Anna is too overwhelmed to speak and I have to find her a chair to sit down on to overcome her feelings of faintness. _

Bloody hell, you don't get much more successful than that! Follow my pristine and suave example and you shall go far!

**B)**

Moony: "Hi Belinda, your eyes are so utterly mesmerizing, I've never seen any so striking. I'm sure you don't wear contacts, do you?"

B: "No, that is my actual eye colour! Wow, Remus, you are one of the most complimenting and romantic boys I have ever had the upmost luck and fortune to meet."

Moony: _At this point I feel it is appropriate to say Moony leaned in closer to Belinda. _"Really?"

B: _She leans in even closer so they are practically touching noses and modifies her voice slightly so that it is huskier and seductive. _"Really..."

_At this point Belinda starts snogging Moony. _

I am ecstatic that my dear Moonykins took my advice, and managed to be extremely successful through using my Thesaurus-Continuation Hybrid technique! Well done, Moony, ol' buddy, ol' pal!

**C)**

Wormtail: "Hello Carmen, you know what I said yesterday, about you being utterly beatific?"

C: "Yes?" _Wormtail informed me that at this point Carmen was smiling at him like the Cheshire Cat out of Alice in Wonderland. To be brutally honest, I don't know who this is, but Prongs told me that many of you would so I should include it. What on EARTH is Wonderland?_

Wormtail: "Well, you look even more so today."

C: "Peter, you're really sweet, you say the loveliest things; would you like to be my partner in Potions for when we make the Draught of Peace?"

Wormtail: "Yes please."

Aw, I am practically CRYING with happiness that my dearest, darling Wormy Pie (GRRRR! – Wormtail) fully embodied my technique and actually was successful! What a cracking attempt mate, what a cracking attempt!

_Moony_

Actually, what Padfoot has done here and asked me, or rather, FORCED ME to do, (Hey! I was extremely polite when I asked you to help me! I gave you the option of helping me or being pushed out of the window, didn't I? That's providing you with a choice! – Pads) highlighted exactly what girls like and respond to.

Girls, from what I gathered, relish hearing a compliment that is well thought out and not a generalized comment that sounds as if it has been utilised on hundreds of girls (Though, if it's Padfoot complimenting you, it is most likely that the compliment has been recycled as his brain is not big enough to invent a unique compliment for every girl he tries to chat up – Prongs, the best friend of Pads, who loves me very much and won't hurt me for saying that!), so do exactly as Padfoot said (Blessed be Merlin? Did I just hear _Moony _advising you to take _my _advice? I never thought I'd see the day! – Pads, the ex-best friend of Prongs who is promptly going to be shoved out of the window) and be imaginative.

_Prongs_

Now I have convinced Pads, lovely, lovely Paddykins, not to push me out of the window (I still haven't ruled it out! – Padfoot), I can provide some nuggets of wisdom for you all. Firstly, I should like to point out that when Padfoot said, and I quote directly, "All girls like to receive compliments", he was not, in fact, correct. My darling, divine, stunning, striking, exceptional Lily lent me a book by Jane Austen entitled _Mansfield Park _in which the heroine, Fanny Price – no funny comments, Pads (Wasn't gonna! – Paddy) – actually preferred to blend into the background and was embarrassed by people complimenting her. Eventually, though, the love of her life, Edmund Bertram (Sounds like a frog! – Pads), persuaded her that she was pretty and ought to become used to being something worth looking at. Sometimes girls need to be brought out of their shells and you need to show them attention and make them feel special. Therefore tailor your compliments and the way you flatter her specifically to her and the feelings you possess for her.

_Wormtail_

I actually have quite a bit to say on this one because I participated in the experiment.

Carmen was really nice and it was easy to see that as I developed the compliments I provided her with, she became more responsive.

She is now my partner in Potions and is really nice and kind to me and always pays attention to what I'm saying.

So follow Sirius' advice and you, too, could (live happily ever after! – Padfoot, Hogwarts' Casanova) gain a response from the girl you like.

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_So my thank yous: thank you to Kuroi Kasai, Stephie Cat-Kat, vanillabean18, sarlovesoccer, .limits111, IHaveASiriusObsession, bananacupcakes, Marlicat, junebugbug96 and LozzT-In-Time for reviewing; thank you to Haruki Riku, .snivellus, imatruenut, Kuroi Kasai, LozzT-In-Time, Stephie Cat-Kat and the5city for adding my story to your favourites and thank you to bananacupcakes, Joelle8, junebugbug96, Kuroi Kasai and Stephie Cat-Kat for adding my story to your alert subscriptions! This was a quick update, I don't know if the next one will be here before the end of next week but I hope so :) Have a great Christmas,_

:) x Lily Orange x (:


	5. My Dazzling Fourth Rule

**Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls**

_By Lily Orange_

_A/N: _I can't believe it took me a month to update, I am SOOOO sorry :) I hope you all had amazing Christmases and New Years, and thank you to everybody who reviewed and added my story to your favourites and alerts! Please enjoy this chapter and leave a review :D

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_**Rule 4:**_

_Buy her thoughtful gifts for birthday and Christmas. _

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This is the area where most boys fail epically. But fear not, boys of Hogwarts who are in hope of gaining a lady friend (Oo-er! – Prongs), I know just what to get your prospective girlfriends. Plus my fellow Marauders have decided, once again, to lend a hand because they - *cough* _Moony _*cough* - believe me incapable of selecting appropriate presents. They don't know what they are talking about. Were they voted "Sexiest Boy In Hogwarts"? I think not.

Firstly, assess what sort of girl you have on your hands – is she quiet? Is she an extrovert? Does she have particular hobbies? Is there something she really wants and she will do _anything_to get it (Couldn't you have worded that a little less suggestively? – Moony)?

Due to my amazingness (Padfoot – that ISN'T a word! – Prongs), which is most definitely a word and I shall be writing to the Oxford English Dictionary people to let them know it is soon to become a weapon of mass-destruction – MUAHAHA! – and that it should be included in the dictionary (OH MY MERLIN – PADFOOT'S GONE PSYCHO! – Wormtail), I am once again making case studies for you to follow.

However, in this chapter, we are not going to be following the successes of Anna, Belinda and Carmen (A, B and C) as we have already added them to our lists of conquests due to following my own expert advice so they will be impervious to bad gifts. Thus we are going to be following the gift-giving activities of Ja– I mean, Hypothetical Boy, who from now on shall be called Lionel (LIONEL? YOU'VE NAMED ME _LIONEL_? – Prongs) and Lil– Hypothetical Girl, who shall be called Jelly (Once again I have to protest at your use of names – _why have you called Lily 'JELLY'?_– Prongs). She is so named, Prongs, because I am very hungry, and really fancy that Muggle treat, jelly and ice cream. And remember, Prongs, these are HYPOTHETICAL people! I cannot stress that enough!

This is the back story I have INVENTED for these two hypothetical people: Lionel is a six-foot-two hypothetical Quidditch captain with messy black hair and hazel eyes, who has supreme Chasing skills. Lionel has fancied, er, Jelly ever since they first met. Jelly is a clever, flame-haired witch with highly distinctive emerald eyes and pale skin. She is quite short (HEY! Lily, I mean, _Jelly_, is not short! She is petite! – Prongs), in comparison to Lionel, about five-foot-three, and has not fancied Lionel since she met him. In fact, Jelly has hypothetically loathed Lionel ever since she met him for some unknown hypothetical reason. However, recently, Jelly has begun to open up to Lionel and Lionel thinks he may now have a chance with her.

_Any resemblances to any people you may know are purely coincidental. Lionel and Jelly were made up by the creative genius that is me. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME LILY!_

Right, now to actually showing how Lionel bestowed gifts on Jelly. Like last time, this has been done scientifically, and we have closely monitored Jelly's reactions to the several gifts James, um, I mean, LIONEL, has given her.

'Twas the night before crimbo, and Lionel is giving Jelly his first gift – at this point they are in fifth year. Hypothetically.

**_Gift #1: Giving Her Something _You_ Want_**

This is a lot of boys, including Lionel's, downfall. Many of them don't know what to buy the girls they are trying to impress for her birthday or the festive season therefore they go for something they want. This is a no-no, boys! We may desperately want a new beater's bat, the new Iron Basilisk album or a Chudley Cannons scarf (BLASPHEMY! – Prongs) but she probably does not. Thus it is a good idea not to buy her something you want. This was what happened, I mean, _would _happen if this was actually real, when Lionel made the mistake of giving Jelly what he wanted.

Lionel: "Happy Christmas, Jelly. I got you a present." _At this point Lionel hands Jelly the gift, thoughtfully wrapped up in a virtually clean hand towel stolen out of the linen cupboard in the boys' dorm and tied with a red ribbon, stolen from Lionel's hypothetical best friend Sausage's _(Sausage? This is PRICELESS! – Wormtail) _hypothetical girlfriend's hair._

Jelly: _Looks a bit confused. _"Um, Lionel – has this been wrapped in a hand towel?"

Lionel: _Making major mistake number 1 – _"Well, yeah, but it's the thought that counts." Can I just insert a note here? He shouldn't have admitted that it was a hand towel. He should have said it was designer wrapping paper, created by Dobby and Banana!

Jelly: _In a tolerant and bewildered voice – _"Thanks... Can I open it now?"

Lionel: "Of course, Jelly!" _Jelly proceeds to untie the ribbon and discard the hand towel._

Jelly: "You got me a set of Gobstones?"

Lionel: "Yep! I know how much I like playing Gobstones–"

Jelly: "Lionel, you've been stalking me for the past four and a half years, you know I hate Gobstones. You like Gobstones."

Lionel: "Well that's a bit ungrateful!"

Jelly: "Says the arrogant toerag who *_bleeping_* bought me a *_bleeping_* present which he *_bleeping_* wanted and wrapped it in a *_bleeping_* hand towel!"

Lionel: "Well if you weren't so *_bleeping_* difficult and a little more *_bleeping_* friendly then I would *_bleeping_* know what the *_bleep_* you want!"

Jelly: "That is so typical of Lionel *_bleeping_* Porter! He thinks the whole *_bleeping_* *_bleeping_* *_bleepedy-bleeped_*-up WORLD revolves around him!"

I think at this point I should terminate the recording of Jelly and Lionel's hypothetical conversation, er, creative discussion. I omitted the particularly offensive swearwords so as not to corrupt younger viewers of this book. Unfortunately, when riled, Jelly and Lionel have, hypothetically, a tendency to swear profusely.

Anyway, we can see that that didn't go down well. Just don't do it. You might not like the consequences – for instance, in this case, Lionel came out with tentacles sprouting out of his ears and Jelly with bright pink hair. Not pretty.

_**Gift #2: Giving her something general.**_

After you have figured out that getting her something you want is not a successful or safe choice (You can say that again – Prongs), you then move on to stage 2 of gift-giving – getting her something GENERAL. This means you get her something you believe all girls would want, i.e. a bottle of shampoo or a box of Cauldron Cakes. This is not specific enough – you need to put thought and feeling into the gift you get her.

Here is what hypothetically happened when Lionel presented Jelly with a hypothetical general gift. This is supposedly Christmas of sixth year.

Lionel: "Merry Christmas, Jelly! I think you'll really like the present I've bought for you!" _Hands Jelly the gift, which this year is wrapped in old pages of the _Daily Prophet _tied with a hypothetical ribbon procured from Sausage's new girlfriend's hair. _

Jelly: "Thank you, Lionel." _She unwraps the gift, trying hard to ignore the fact that Lionel has Spellotaped it up with the Quidditch scores from the previous May. _

Lionel: "Do you like it?"

Jelly: "Wow, er, thanks, Lionel – a box of Chocolate Cauldrons."

Lionel: "Yes, I know most girls like them, so I thought it a safe choice–"

Jelly: "Did Sausage buy this for his girlfriend?"

Lionel: "He gets them for his girlfriends every Christmas and birthday – he has so many girlfriends he has a lot of birthdays to cater for and they are cheap." _Unfortunately for Lionel, he has just made a massive mistake. This could end up in him being decapitated, or worse, castrated. _

Jelly: "So you didn't really put any thought into this?"

Lionel: "Well, I did, a little bit–"

Jelly: "But you are always telling me that I am special and different. And you've bought me something which you would get for everybody else. I put thought into your present." _At this point Jelly whips out a present from her bag and Lionel ardently rips it open (note the fact it was wrapped in proper wrapping paper with a silver glittery tag on it and a bow) to find the new Iron Basilisk CD he has been wanting since it was released in September, and that he told everyone it was all he wanted for Christmas._

Lionel: "Thanks, oh Merlin, this was all I wanted for Christmas! – but, Jelly, I'm sorry–"

Jelly: "Just *_bleeping_* forget it, Lionel." _Jelly goes back to reading, looking upset and Lionel leaves, confused._

So Jelly put a lot of thought into Lionel's gift and he bought her something general. And I had to get the bleepy machine out to block out the foul language. Never good.

_**Gift #3: Something personal that they want**_

This is the present that will get you in there (Oo-er! – Prongs) and my friend Prongs should get his mind out of the gutter because I meant in her heart, not any other way. I am never rude and suggestive (That is the biggest lie I have EVER heard – Moony), ever.

So how do you find out exactly what they want? It's simple. Ask them. Or, if you want it to be a surprise, ask her friends. They know her the best so will know exactly what she wants, and, if they don't, they can ask her for you.

In this case, for Jelly's seventeenth birthday (hypothetically on January the thirtieth) Lionel did just that. He asked Jelly's hypothetical friends Pickle and Olive and they told him what she wanted. This is what hypothetically happened.

Lionel: "Jelly – I got you a present for your birthday."

Jelly: "Lionel, you shouldn't have."

Lionel: "I wanted to... and this time, I believe you'll truly like it." _He presents Jelly with a book-shaped package wrapped in grass green wrapping paper and tied with a large yellow bow that Lionel bought himself and didn't ask Sausage to steal off of his hypothetical girlfriend._

Jelly: _Carefully opens the package to find an extremely rare First Edition copy of _Pride and Prejudice _by Jelly's favourite author, Jane Austen. This book is Jelly's favourite book and ever since she first hypothetically read it when she was hypothetically nine years old, she has hypothetically wanted a first edition copy. _"Oh... my..."

Lionel: _Grins happily whilst Jelly struggles to find the words to express how she feels. _"Do you like it?"

Jelly: _At this point I feel it necessary to say that Jelly threw her arms around Lionel's neck and began kissing him very enthusiastically._

There you go. The perfect way to give a girl a gift (Wow, brilliant alliteration there, Padfoot! – Prongs) is to find her something that she has always wanted and will be of sentimental value to her. She may want a photo album filled with photos throughout the years, a particular film she loves, a necklace, a bottle of specific perfume that she always wears or, if she wants it, some chocolate. Just something that is unique to her and that she especially wants.

Now you have seen how hypothetically successful Lionel and Jelly were, we go over to my fellow Marauders who would like to add their thoughts on the issue of gift-giving.

_Moony_

I think Padfoot explained that brilliantly (OH. MY. MERLIN. MOONY JUST COMPLIMENTED ME WILLINGLY! – Pads) but I would like to add one thing. A girl doesn't want you to spend lots on her, she wants something FROM THE HEART.

Plus I would like to comment that Sirius should never write a novel, as if he uses the same character names that he bestowed upon the "hypothetical" characters here what sort of weird names is he going to give to them? (I thought the complimenting would never last! – Pads).

_Prongs_

I would just like to reiterate Pads' previous message that these characters were imagined and works of fiction, not based on anybody real. Ahem.

By the way, the Iron Basilisk CD is really good. I especially like the song _Fear of the Bark _which is about the grim and seeing black dogs, like somebody I could mention... (Shut it, Prongs – Padfoot who in no way, shape, or form, is a black dog, and who is about to suggest to Prongs' poor unfortunate girlfriend that she kicks him off the Astronomy tower).

Plus that first edition copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ was really quite cool as well. It was my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandma's. Hypothetically.

My lovely, divine, beautiful, heavenly, angelic Lily is the most special person in the world to me (Hey! Whatever happened to cars before bras? – Pads) – and I would like to interrupt that sentence to say that, Padfoot, the saying is NOT cars before bras and you are a weird lunatic. End of.

Where was I? Oh yes, my lovely, divine, beautiful, heavenly, angelic Lily adored the first edition copy of her favourite book. Hypothetically.

_Wormtail_

I would just like to point out that the words "hypothetical" and "hypothetically" have been used a grand total of twenty-seven times in this chapter. That is a LOT of hypotheticals. Now twenty-eight.

I bought Carmen a diamante hairclip for Christmas and she really liked it.

Er, that's my advice.

I think.

_

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I hope you found that entertaining :D Have a brilliant week, love and hugs,

:) x Lily Orange x (:


	6. My Fantastic Fifth Rule

_**Rule 5:**_

_When you are at a party, remember who you came with._

I hate to admit it, but this is one I particularly struggle with, even more so than the being kind to her friends one, Rule Number 2 (You have no idea how funny that sounds! – Prongs), which is MATURELY numbered as that was the second rule to enter my stupendously fantastic book... where was I again? Oh yes, I struggled with Rule 2 because, as previously stated, I may have hooked up with the girl in question's friends in the past. Tricky issue, but if you're suave enough (Oooh, posh word Pads, practising your Thesaurus Man? – Prongs) then you can overcome it.

Anyway, this rule can be quite difficult to master (No it isn't Pads, you just can't restrain yourself when women are around – Moony), ESPECIALLY when there are several hot girls at the party you are attending. But fear not, faithful Sirius'-relationship-guidance fans, I am here to tell you how to act and how not to act at a party. Because, believe me, it can make or break a relationship.

If you have ever seen any Muggle movies (thanks to Lily, we have seen quite a few) you will know that there is normally a big party at the end during which people get together as it is the romantic happy ending; well, this will happen in a film unless you are sensible and are watching something like _The Exorcist_. Which is an utterly cracking film – and I have just been ordered by Mr. Sensible-No-Fun-Moony-Pants to stop going off at tangents. Whatever they are. Sounds like the name of a group of men who are sunning themselves in some hot country whilst we are sat in cold Hogwarts. Not that I'm complaining – you don't get the girl variety when you're not in Hogwarts.

Parties make people happy and they make people have an amazing time (unless your Snivellus, who sits in the corner chanting dark magic like a weirdo – Prongs; Prongs, he doesn't do that, what've I told you? – Moony) and they are also times when people get to dress up and make an impression on their preferred member of the opposite sex, i.e. you. They give girls the opportunity to dress in sexy little dresses (or jeans, I love it when my beautiful Lilykins wears jeans; in fact, I love whatever she wears – Prongs) and wear sky-scraping heels. Girls make an effort for parties – so you should let them know that you think this. They like their efforts to be recognised so remember how to compliment them (see Rule 3) and also remember to make an effort yourself.

This does not mean that you need to wear dress robes at every given opportunity, but it means that you should make some kind of effort. (You may have to spell it out for them Pads, remember what happened when you told this to Wormy? – Prongs; Hey! I thought that was a stylish fashion choice! – Wormtail; Wormy, you went dressed as a slice of cake; we told you to dress fancy, not dress as a French Fancy! – Prongs; Yes, but they are seriously tasty! – Wormtail). My tips for making an effort are:

Wear clean trainers or Converse – not brand shiny new, kind of worn in, but not covered in dirt that could cause speculation over what you have been doing amongst the girls at the party, i.e. Has he been digging up carrots in Hagrid's vegetable patch or has he been standing at the wrong end of a Hippogriff for too long?

Wear clean clothes that look nice and simple, i.e. a shirt with jeans, or a plain t-shirt. Band t-shirts are also acceptable in my book (that's because you're writing it, you Basilisk-brain! – Moony) but where whatever you like and feel comfortable in.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR OWN STYLE AND YOURSELF. There's no point going dressed like John Revolta (Padfoot, his name's John _Travolta_ – Moony), sorry, John Travolta in _Saturday Night Fever_ or _Grease_ if you prefer to be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Though I did quite like his outfits in those films, especially the T-Birds jackets... perhaps we could get some Marauder jackets... (don't even think about it! – Moony)

So now we have sorted out the style rules, it comes down to the main rule for going partying, as outlined in the title of this highly integral chapter: _When you are at a party, remember who you came with_. Basically, if you ask a girl to a party (prospective girlfriend who you have hopefully charmed with the first four chapters of this book already, as they are bloody brilliant, even if I do say so myself!), remember that she is your date for the evening and that means you can't go off snogging other girls and flirting with the ones in the nicest dresses.

I have made this mistake more times than I care to remember, but if I did care to remember, I could count the amount of scars I have and also count how many shirts I have under my bed soaked with drinks of various flavours that I have not gotten rid of and just chucked under there. Basically, it has happened a lot. Don't do it. Devote your attentions to your date, as she will have made an effort for you and will probably look bloody gorgeous.

To illustrate my point, I have enlisted the help of two very willing boys who shall remain anonymous, but I shall christen with the hypothetical names of Tyrannosaurus and Pterodactyl (Have you been drinking the firewhisky from the Hog's Head again? – Moony). I organised two parties in a very secret location (i.e. an abandoned classroom) that were exactly the same, within a week of each other. The same girl was asked by each of the two hypothetically-named people to one of the parties, and one of them acted perfectly as I have guided expertly and the other like a broom-head. We planted highly advanced magical communication equipment on their persons (i.e. two-way mirrors – Prongs) so we could listen in on the conversation and what happens. Observe and learn young grasshoppers.

_**Party #1**_

Tyrannosaurus asked the hypothetically-named (DON'T start with all the hypothetical things again! It made my head spin last time – Wormtail; Wormy, are you sure Padders didn't just spike your pumpkin juice? – Prongs) Sweaty Betty (Oh, I bet she's pleased about her new name! – Moony) to the party. He went dressed in new jeans, a plain white t-shirt with a black jacket and blue Converse that were only very slightly scuffed.

**Tyrannosaurus:** Oh, Sweaty Betty, you look absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for agreeing to attend the party with me!

**Sweaty Betty:**Um, thanks, Tyrannosaurus, just don't try anything funny on me, okay? Otherwise I will castrate you.

**T:**Okay. Would you like to dance?

**SB:**Yeah, okay. This song's good, I like it.

*_cue T doing some rather imaginative robotic dancing that SB surprisingly goes along with rather well (I knew she would! – Prongs)*_

**T:** This party's good.

**SB:** Yeah it is.

**T:** Sirius did a good job, didn't he?

**SB:** Yeah he did.

**T:** The food looks good too... *_at this point I would like to point out T almost entered a trance-like state once he spotted the chocolate cake I had positioned in the middle of the food table, conversation halted for a few moments whilst he had this momentary lapse of madness_*

**SB:** Yeah it does.

**T:** Dancing's good to.

**SB:** Yeah it is.

**T:** Are you just gonna say that to _everything_?

**SB:** *_smiles so damn sexily and hotly she could set a house on fire_* Maybe...

**T:** Okay... how about another dance to this song? It's your favourite, isn't it?

*_cue my brilliantly DJ timing of _You Really Got Me _by the Kinkies (um, Padders, their name is the KINKS – Moony), which is SB's all-time favourite song_*

SB: Yeah it is, wow, you remembered!

**T:** I always remember.

**SB:** Really?

**T:** Yes.

**SB:** You know I said I would castrate you if you tried anything funny?

**T:** Yes, I definitely remember that.

**SB:** Well, I will no longer castrate you if you try something funny.

**T:** And what would qualify as "something funny"?

*_Personally I think he made this sound like he was about to perform a bit of brain surgery, but SB seemed to think it was okay, surprisingly!*_

_**SB:**_ This...

_At this point SB kissed T and they didn't stop for the rest of the party, so there is nothing more to report. _

See, T did not look at another girl whilst he was with SB! And it went seriously well, so well that I had to literally prise her off T when it came to Pterodactyl's turn at charming her...

_**Party #2**_

Pterodactyl asked Sweaty Betty to my second, marvellously brilliant party. He went dressed in old tracksuit bottoms he had recently done sixteen runs and three swims in the Black Lake wearing – authentic lakey-plants attached at random points could confirm this to others – a ripped grey t-shirt and battered old trainers that looked like they'd been flushed through the Hogwarts sewage system and lived to tell the tale.

Pterodactyl: Hey, how are you?

Sweaty Betty: I'm fine, I'm looki–

P: *_rudely cuts across her_* Erin looks HOT. So hot that she'd make my body temperature shoot through the roof...

SB: Really? *_in scarily angry tone_* Well, shall we dance or something?

P: Yeah, I'll just go get us a drink first...

*_On the way to the drinks table, P gets distracted (1) by Erin who is wearing a sexy little teal dress with a plunging neckline that exhibits (PADFOOT! We don't want to know your sordid thoughts about Erin! – Moony)... never mind, and (2) by Kirsty, who is also wearing a sexy dress and smiles at P suggestively. He forgets all thought of drinks and starts snogging Kirsty, whilst looking at Erin over Kirsty's shoulder*_

SB: Busy?

P: *_breaks away from Kirsty, who skips away with a flirtatious giggle_* No, not really.

SB: Can I just remind you that you came to the party with me?

P: Thank you. Now I need to go find Erin...

_At this point SB throws the pumpkin juice P didn't get her over his shirt, which now looks like a baby has been sick on it. SB leaves party (and continues to snog me– I mean, Tyrannosaurus! – Prongs) and P makes out with Erin. _

See, Party #1 was obviously much more successful as T remembered, unlike P, who he had come with. Now I'm going to allow my fellow Marauders to offer their extensive intellect on this rule.

_Prongs_

...

_Moony_

Prongs is a bit busy with, ahem, "Sweaty Betty" at the moment (Oo-er missus! – Padfoot) – which requires no suggestive comment, Padfoot – so I am going to write on his behalf and mine. I translated, whilst his mouth was glued to Lily's, I mean, Sweaty Betty, that he said "Padfoot is a penis and this rule is good!" (Moony, I actually said "Padfoot is a _genius_, not a PENIS! – Prongs; Can I just point out that Prongs has severe skill as he wrote that whilst still snogging Lily? HE IS THE MAN! – Padfoot).

I would also like to say that I have never gone to a party with a girl and forgotten who I came with (Yeah, but have you ever gone to a party with a girl, Moonykins? Ha ha – Padfoot), because girls appreciate you making them feel special. It's what comes through all of Padfoot's surprisingly good rules (See, told you I was good! – Padfoot), and I think it's something you Hogwartians should take note of.

_Wormtail_

Partying is not exactly my thing because I am a bit of a fail at dancing and I eat too much cake. (Hang on, I'm pretty sure this isn't Pete writing this... – Moony). However, if I used Padfoot the love extraordinaire's amazing rules, I would not be an epic fail at parties. (Padfoot, why does it look like you're controlling what Wormy is writing? – Moony; What? Don't be so suspicious Moony... – Sirius)


End file.
